This week my grown daughter had a crisis. When I learned of it at 11:30 pm on Wednesday night, her crisis became my crisis. Although I was tired, I could hardly sleep that night. I woke up at 3:15 for a time of meditation (for myself ) and prayer (for her). I went back to bed for a couple of hours and then got up to start my day.
All day, my thoughts were consumed by her crisis. I felt my stomach cramp every time I thought about it which was about every other minute. I kept my phone on my lap so that I could feel it vibrate if she called….she didn’t. Even though I was sleepy by the end of the day, I prepared to drive two hours to “be with her” to “support her.” I canceled appointments for the next day so that I could dedicate the time to fully to her.
It took my husband to bring me back to sanity. He asked simply if I had asked our daughter what she needed from us?
No, I hadn’t thought of that.
Now, at 9:30 p.m. with my next morning appointments cancelled, my bag packed, my travel mug full of coffee and the car about to turn on to the freeway --his question had me pull off the road into a minimall parking lot.
No, I hadn’t thought of asking a 26 year old what she might need. I assumed that I knew what she needed. I assumed that I was what she needed.
So, there under the street light, I called her and asked. She didn’t hesitate. “I need some space. I’ll call you if I need you.”
I think about her response as I end this week of focus on the Third Beatitude. I’ve been praying all week about softening rigid areas and how that rigidity in my thoughts and emotions can have physical ramifications. But in searching for the rigid areas, the Beatitude, opened a full spectrum introspection in my areas of weakness, areas that I don’t necessarily want to see.
Apparently, there are layers of rigidity.
In Buddhism the word for community is Sangha. I don’t think you need to live in a monastery to have a Sangha. Perhaps a family can be a Sangha if you are helping each other grow spiritually. Sometimes, what looks like a daughter telling you to “give her some space” after you have arranged your life to be there for her, really is a spiritual growth moment. Is this situation revealing some rigidity that needs to be softened?
I credit my focusing on Beatidue Three this week for allowing me to get off the road and turn the car around. I had been thinking all week about my rigid places, like my temper, my being judgmental, spiritual pride, -"bad" rigidity that needs softening. It took this situation to show me “good” rigidity that also needs softening,--inviting myself into another’s crisis when all they really wanted was to tell me about it; over-mothering my grown children; reacting first without thinking things through, allowing another’s situation to cause me stress for two whole days!
It sometimes takes a spiritual community to see things about you that you don’t see or that you can’t see, about yourself. I can easily recall a day when I would have taken my daughter’s response as a rejection, taken offense, gotten angry, even resentful. But that night, I listened to my husband’s advice and acted on it. I then turned the car around, came home and went to bed.
Perhaps it is better to be in a state of peace and pray from 150 miles away than to bring one’s own rigidity into a situation.
*************************************************************
Last chance to identify areas of focus for next week’s Fast. Can you identify an area of “good” rigidity in your life? "Good" rigidity is a trait or habit that you have which is habitual, reactionary, familiar and so acceptable that it is harder to identify as stress-provoking? Be sure to write any thoughts about this in your Notebook.
No comments:
Post a Comment