I have come to realize that you don't have to be in a war to be traumatized.
My brother's illness (pancreatic cancer) has been a terrible shock to all of us. When Damon first told me, I was too stunned to cry and later I became too busy to cry. In the last ten days, my sister and I have rearranged our lives to go to be with him in Miami. We have simultaneously provided uplifting and encouraging words to our brother, while trying to arrange for his care and help him figure out if he is going to stay in Miami for treatment or travel to cancer centers in Baltimore, Minnesota or Houston. We have talked about his death and worried about his daughters.
Two days ago, I drove from my home near Wilmington, NC back to Richmond, VA where I work. I have a new course that starts on Thursday. I have a new research project that starts next Tuesday. I have two graduate students who are both in the throes of dissertation writing. I haven't seen my grandson in over a month.
It was during Yoga tonight, that I first realized that I couldn't stretch because my shoulders and back were so tight. Things got better as the class progressed (I do Hot Yoga so it's hard not to relax in 104 degrees). However, about midway through the 90 minutes, I got so sick to my stomach I had to leave the room, something I've never done before.
Once in the bathroom, I couldn't throw up. but there on the floor besides the toilet I began to cry. Great big gulping sobs. I couldn't stop myself. I didn't even understand why I was crying. I hadn't been thinking about my brother, consciously, but I believe my body had. My body was sobbing up sadness and grief and fear and anger and worry and stress. It seemed to last for an hour.
When it was over, I returned to the class and found I'd only missed two poses, less than 10 minutes. I forced myself to finish but I was exhausted.
After class, I sat in the parking lot and allowed myself feel all kinds of feelings -sadness, worry, regret, anger...all of it. Usually, after 90 minutes of Yoga I am feeling very loose and flexible but as I felt the feelings, I also began to notice that my shoulders and back were tensing up. I felt queezy in my stomach again. This is the body reacting to the mind...but this wasn't theory. I wasn't preparing for a lecture. This was MY body reacting to MY mind. Despite, Yoga and upteen hours of meditation and affirmation and thinking positive, I was stressing. That thought made me more stressed!
When I get into situations where I don't know what to do, I always breath. And so there in the car I began to take long slow breaths and concentrating on the breathing. I could feel myself relax. My stomach felt better but my shoulders were still tight.
What this little experiment taught me is that Nancy is right. Our body, mind and emotions are all connected. But if trauma does reside in the body, then so does stress, worry, anxiety and fear- the little traumas. There is actually evidence that those negative emotions are tied to specific illnesses and conditions. Stress is tied to diabetes and hypertension and also arthritis. But before the full fledged disease comes, the stress is still having an effect. Little traumas wear the body down.
You don't have to be in a war to be traumatized but at least you would know that you were traumatized! Most stress is cumulative, little things adding up over time. Little body aches that become "normal." The problem is that when a "Game TIme" happens, a big stressor, there is less capacity to handle it.
So, what to do? We cannot keep stressors from happening. We cannot prevent "Game Times." However, we CAN honor our bodies by making sure it is not incurring even more stress because of the food we are over-eating or the water we are not drinking or the exercise we are not doing. We can honor our minds with a regular practice aimed at cultivating more peace. We can bolster our emotions by being happy on purpose and making ourselves enough of a priority to include REGULAR health-affirming activities that make us laugh or at least smile.
Today, I'm feeling much better. When I get to work, I will take my colleagues up on their offers to help me with my classes. I will arrange to work with my graduate students over email. Tonight, I'll watch one of my favorite Bette Midler movies. In three days I will visit my grandson. Just thinking about him, makes me smile.
On Saturday, I leave for Miami.
"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine but a broken spirit drieth the bones." Proverbs 17:22
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